Crying is not weakness

Few weeks back me and one of my friends, as it won't be fair to disclose her name, lets call her Mary,  were  chatting on phone. She was having hard time with her boss at work. She felt offended by the way her boss was treating her and decided to resign. Before leaving the job she wanted to communicate with her boss about what made her feel bad and the reason she had to take this step in-spite of having no other job as back up. While we were talking it came up that, even though she was so desperate about speaking with her boss there was something that was very strongly holding her back. After listening and talking for a while we found out the culprit - the belief that "Crying is a sign of weakness and helplessness" - and she was afraid that she would begin to cry in front of her boss and look like a helpless victim.

Let me tell you, a belief is neither right not wrong it is only either helpful or unhelpful / limiting. If it is helpful keep it. If it is unhelpful dispose it and replace it with a helpful belief.

It is funny how we humans tend to judge everything and classify it as right or wrong, good or bad and then on the basis of that judge ourselves. It is painful when doing something feels liberating but our beliefs don't allow us to do that. And then we choose to suffocate rather than find the belief and then question it. If there is anything truly powerful next to being aware, it the power of questioning. Questioning your beliefs. Questioning the reason behind doing the things that does not make you feel good and yet you continue doing. Trust me! Questioning is really very powerful and life transforming!

Coming back to Mary, at the end of our conversation + a little bit of coaching she realised that - crying is not weakness, it is just a form of expression. We cry when words are not enough for expressing the depth of what we are feeling at the moment. And when you express completely without bothering about being judged, you are doing an act of great strength and self love.

If you are interested in knowing more about benefits of crying click here. No! I am not trying say here that crying is a virtue. I am just saying that it is just a form of expression - neither good nor bad.

I feel grateful about this conversation with my friend because it always reminds me about completely and without any hesitation expressing yourself. Thank you Mary!

Would love to know your thoughts and stories about your struggles and victories with self-expression. 

Honor your need for a space just for you!

I have always treasured my private space, physical private space, where I could spend time with myself, my books and my daydreams. A space which reflects who I am, where no one would come and interfere with my sacred time. And I have always been lucky enough to have it. I had my own bedroom as a child and then even in my college I managed to either have a single room for myself or find a corner in the room or somewhere in the campus where I was left alone for a long as I please. Library was my favorite place during my post graduation. And now I have a study room cum home-office of my own and I simply love it!

But, I still encountered a few people in my life who could not really understand the significance of it, in fact even people who are really close to me just understood that this something important to me but I doubt if they really understood "why?". I would wonder at times if I am weird or is there something wrong with me.
I learned to make peace with the question unanswered and learned to accept and appreciate this need lovingly. Finally one day after doing some research I found out the reason for this craving for spending sometime alone - I am an introvert.. Introverts are not people who are shy or under-confident  like the extroverts assume them to be. Introverts are the people who enjoy silence and peace and turn within to find joy and happiness. No one is 100% introvert or extrovert - extroverts have higher percentage of extroversion as compared to the introversion they posses and vice versa.

Introverts feel drained in groups and need some time alone, absolutely alone, to recharge their batteries. They feel more alive and energized when they are alone. This why they love the professions which allow them to have space of their own. Most of the artists, writers, computer geeks, musicians are introverts. For the first time I understood why I always craved for a room just for me and that there is actually nothing weird in this (sigh of relief!).

Do you have similar craving, craving to have a room of your own? Honor your need and see how you can have a space which doesn't allow anyone to interrupt you alone / me time. Right now if you can't think of having a whole room for yourself, see if you can at least have a small corner or just a couch which is only yours.

Take out some free time and dream and DREAM BIG about your ideal private space. Visualize, feel, smell and hear how your dream room looks and feels like. See the details color of the walls, color of the floor, color of your furniture, what type of furniture do you have in there, what is your room filled with (books or DVDs or might be something else), decorate your dream room in a way that reflects who you truly are. Dream as vividly as possible. Dream as if there is no one to judge you.

After the above exercise just make a note of what you just saw. Write all the details of your dream room. Now go and look for pictures which have elements of the room. You don't have to collect them in one go. Casually look for them when ever your free.  Once you are happy with the collection i.e once you feel that the pictures you have collected represents more or less the space you had dreamt of, you can make collage out of them or just keep the collection in on of the folders in your computer dedicated to this project or if you have collected pictures from magazines you can pin then on a cork board or in a scrap book or you can even make a collage out of it and might be frame it.

The whole exercise gives you clarity about what you really want and once you are clear you can take an action when the time is reap and trust me knowing what you want clearly has some miraculous power of its own. Things start rearranging itself to fulfill your dreams.

Do share your idea of your own dream room.

Miracle of detachment

Detachment is a miracle tool which allows us to keep the thinking part of our brain aside for sometime and allow our observer self to observe from a neutral point of view. Let me first clarify what do I mean by thinking self and observer self. Your thinking self is the part of your brain which does all the calculations, which judges, which differentiates right from wrong and which labels things as good and bad. The observer self just observes, there is no judgement, you just observe and become witness to what is. In today's world most of us only use the thinking part of our brain. The result is either grasping or aversion. Either we live in constant fear of loosing something we love or we fight and feel anger towards things we don't like. The result is - becoming a  victim of the situations.

The opposite of being victim and of grasping and aversion is detachment. Detachment is allowing yourself to be aware without judgement and completely accept the present. It allows you to see the the picture and develop compassion.

Recently one of my clients was facing issues at work place. She was angry and frustrated because she didn't feel accepted and felt continuously criticized. After doing some work which allowed her to see the whole truth from a detached perspective, she was able to see the situation from a point of compassion rather than anger. Her story changed and she realized that her colleagues were feeling insecure in her presence and feared that she might be a threat to their job. She was able to see them as someone who needed compassion rather than her anger. Change in perspective alone, without having to change the real situation, made her feel more powerful and loving at the same time. This is the miracle of detachment - being able to find peace in the present. Once you do this you can definitely work towards a better future, you don't have to stay in the same situation permanently. There are two ways to look at it. One, once you at peace with your present situation you are left with more energy and liveliness to concentrate on better future. Second way of looking at it is, you have learned your lesson in love and compassion (if you look closely you will realize that all the lessons in life are about love and compassion, so that you learn to love in every situation) and  you don't need the situation any more, so life brings something new, the situation changes.

Steps towards detachment / awareness / happy life:

1. Meditation is a great way to develop awareness. Set aside some time for meditation. Initially 5-15 mins might be enough. There are many meditation techniques. Do your own research, see what suits you and commit yourself to giving it a try for at least four days. Four days is what you need to set up a routine (There is a complete book written by Martha Beck about the magic of the number four).
2. Is relationship with any person troubling you right now? Just try for yourself if you can see the situation from a different angle, might be from the angle of another person involved in the story. You don't have force yourself to believe they are right. You just need to see if you can tell a more compassionate story.

Please do leave your comments and feedback.

2013, I promise ....

According to numerology forecast this year is going to be an very important year for my career. It is an year of abundance and progress. And I know that this is so true. This the year I am going to take next step in my coaching career, which is not just a career but my calling. I have made some promises to myself and though its more about focusing on my highest good, forgiving, healing and shining, it is very closely related to my calling. Because as a life coach, in the words of Martha Beck, "you have to live it to give it".

Here are my new year resolutions, rather promises to myself:

1. This moment onward I promise myself that I will share openly what I think, believe and feel. I might fear being judged, but I'll acknowledge my fear and anyways take the risk of showing the world who I really am. There will be no mask, no armour, just me.
2. I promise myself that I will make choices from a place of complete love, self-acceptance, courage and standing in my truth. My choices will not be based on proving myself right or proving someone wrong or based on insecurity or retaliation.
3. I promise myself that if something is good for me, I'll plan it and do it. I won't procrastinate and delay my good.

This year I focus on subtracting all that is not working and cultivating more trust in the process of life.

What are your promises to yourself this year?

Thank you 2012

I have been practicing being thankful for things in my life since more than 3 years now and without fail it instantly makes me feel better. When I catch myself focusing on things that are not going well in my life this what I do, I thank, and then I feel grateful and my focus shifts towards the wonderful things in my life.
Now its the time to count all the wonderful things that have happened in this year, 2012. Here goes the list:

1. I am grateful for all the new and beautiful places we (me and my life partner) visited. While we were in India during 1st half of the year, we visited Goa - known for its world class beaches) and Mahabaleshwar  which is a hill station and it is sooooooo... green that you have to see it to believe it. Anywhere you go in Mahabaleshwar it smells of grasses. I can simply go on describing its beauty.
2. We traveled to Australia in August which was our first step towards our dream of experiencing different cultures of the world and seeing and experiencing more of our planet. We are loving this country. People are super friendly and they make you feel at home.
3. I enrolled into Martha Beck life coach training which was much awaited. I have no words to describe how good it felt. But something that felt much much better was when I saw my husband more happy than I was, it felt as if its his dream that has come true. I was reminded what true love is and I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and joy whenever I think of it.
4. I started my coaching practice which is much more than just a profession for me. Its my calling!
5. Worked on my limiting beliefs, worked on forgiveness and making peace with not so happy memories of past. I am happy to know that I will be moving into 2013 with less burden on my soul :).
6. Last but not the least I saw my health and energy levels improving though there is still along way to go.

Let us keep reminding ourselves that we have lots to be thankful about. Keep counting your blessings! My next blog will be about my vision of 2013. 

The Spell of Making

I just loved this post about how we tend to focus on finding god, spirit or the power that can help us, guide us and change our life for good, outside ourselves. But the actual power comes not from outside, but from knowing our inner selves -  knowing and coming face to face with both good and bad aspects of it. Please click the link below for further reading...

 The Spell of Making

Taking Risk!

RISK! Until recently mere thought of this word used to make me feel freakish. The worst kind of risk for me is the one that involves speaking with my loved ones about a topic where my views are completely different and clash of thoughts is almost certain. But then I am not a person to compromise and live a life where I make my inner self unhappy. What do I do?!!! Fight?! Yes, fight seemed to be the only way out. I used to assume that my family will not understand me and I have to fight to get what I want. After all, you can't have it all. You have to choose between living your life on your own terms and maintaining good relationship with your loved ones who think differently. But then, I know that its my thoughts and believes that design my life and determine the final outcome. I decided that I want both and started telling myself that it is very much possible. But still I was not able to summon up enough courage to initiate the discussions and talk openly about how I felt. And then the guidance came in the form of a book "The joy diet" by Martha Beck. There is a complete chapter about "Risk" where the reader is required to take a risk and without that one is not allowed to proceed to the next chapter. Here are few lines from the book that really made me take the required action -

"Taking risks that may help you achieve your dreams is the only way to challenge the fearful beliefs that have kept you from achieveing them already. It provides empirical evidence to support or disprove your various hypothesis about how the world works. It breaks down the boundaries set by fear, and this will decimate the constraints that
are keeping you from your right life."

"Any risk worth taking is worth taking whether it leads to success or failure. The criterion by which you should decide which dangers to face, and which to avoid, is not your chance of succeeding but the depth of your desire."

Finally, insipte of feeling the fear, I was able to summon the courage to speak openly. And guess what!...........mine was an happy ending!

From this incidence I have understood that the only way to live your life to the fullest is to take risks inspite of fear, knowing that what ever happens after that will be for your highest good.

Wish you best of luck for all the risks your going to take to get closer to heart's true desire :) !

Healing Hurt and Creating Love

In everybody's life there are some people with whom we share significant amount of time everyday and also a common space. We call these people family members. They have a great impact on how happy we are with our life. We depend on them for their love, care and understanding. But, when relationship with these very people becomes abusive and hurtful we start feeling trapped. We feel that there is no way out and start blaming each other for the way we feel.
But the good news is just like every other problem on this earth, this problem also has a solution. Solution is "LOVE & FORGIVENESS". Yes same age old mantra of love and forgiveness comes to our rescue.
Here are the steps to heal your hurt and create love in any relationship.

1. Take responsibility. Throw away your victim mentality. Stop feeling like a victim of the situation. Understand that every thing is impermanent and very changing. Know that you are the architect of your life and unwanted things will change if you take complete responsibility of whatever is happening in your life. This is step 1 of solution to any and every problem that exists and will ever exist.
2. Make a list of feelings that you feel when you see that person or think about that person on a sheet of paper.
3. Sit in a quiet and comfortable place and tell yourself that this particular situation, just like every thing in this universe,is ever changing. Affirm aloud "  My outside world is just a reflection of who I am. I am open to change and as I change things around me change as well."
4. Understand that any healing takes place only with love and forgiveness. Now perform a small ritual. Burn the list that you had prepared in step two with an intention that you are letting go all these feelings and see your feeling of hurt burned into ashes and now you are left with a heart willing to forgive.
5. Sit with your back straight and take few deep breaths and prepared your mind for next step of healing. Now affirm aloud "Forgiveness and love is the only solution to every problem in this world. I choose to forgive 'the person's name'  as well as myself. I forgive ... I forgive....and bless myself and 'the person's name' with love, happiness and health ( Visualize both, yourself and the person, to be happy and feel the happiness and love within yourself) As I do this, I set myself free from all hurt and past experiences. Only love and forgiveness is left behind.I create new and beautiful experiences for myself. I choose to see only positive in myself and 'the person's name' and as I do this I am giving birth to a beautiful relation between two of us."
6. Repeat step five for at least few weeks and continue for a longer time if you feel the need , you will actually see your relationship improving. 
7. Whenever any negative thoughts appear about that person, just remind yourself that you have decided to see only positive in that person and bless that person with love an happiness. Blessing dissolves any feeling of hatred.  

Any time you come across a person who tries to hurt you, just remember these words by Thich Nhat Hanh "When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”  Forgive and bless the person, it will surely heal the person but first it will heal you.

Choose to see only POSITIVE !!

I am sure each one of us wants to live a happy life, full of happy situations and wonderful people acknowledging and appreciating your wonderfulness, and at the same time you enjoying all aspects - personal, professional, financial, health, etc- of your life to the fullest.

Is it possible to live such wonderful life? Is it possible to have it all? Yes, it is and i'll tell you how.

Make a choice. Choose to see ONLY positive. Yes, this is the key to living a life of your dreams ( I am assuming that you dream of a happy life :) ;) ). 

Everyday perform a small ritual. Follow these steps:

1.     Choose a quite and comfortable place for yourself. You can go for a quite corner of your home or to your balcony, garden or any other place that is comfortable and peaceful.

2.     Sit with you back straight ( this ensures proper flow of energy in your body)

3.     Close your eyes

4.     Observe your natural breath for a minute or two, till to start feeling relaxed and completely present in the moment.

5.     Take 5 deep breaths

6.     With calm  and peaceful mind start thanking God or Universe or Nature or Your Higher Self, depending on whatever feels comfortable to you and aligns with your belief system, for all good and positive aspects of the following:

1)       Personal Life

2)       Professional Life

3)       Abundance

4)       Health

5)       City, locality and home

6)       A particular situation that does not feel so good

7)       People around you - colleagues, family members, friends ...... thank for all good things they have done and still do for you .... feel good about them by remembering all good qualities they posses

8)       Your life partner

9)       Yourself ..... take your own time and remind yourself about all the wonderful qualities you have ... and feel love for yourself while you do this.

Thank for smallest of blessings and feel gratitude within yourself. Feel how important this blessing is in your life. Count all the positive traits of people around you and also include yourself.

7.     Now affirm,

“I choose to see ONLY positive in all situations and aspects of my life”

“I always choose to see good in everyone including myself”

“I see myself and others with love”

This ritual will soon train your brain to see only positive and you will see your life flooded with positive situations and people. After all, like attracts like. 

My idea of perfect 2012

Just like 2011, I foresee 2012 to be a very happening year for me.
2011 was the year when I got married, ended my corporate career and decided to do something different, found my passion in life, took a decision to join Martha Beck's life coaching, spent time understanding myself better, spent a lot of time with my loved ones and above all felt lucky about having wonderful life partner and family which truly loves and supports me.
And now, I already have lots of hopes and expectations from 2012. I see myself becoming a well paid life coach, and trust me only I know how much I am already excited about this. There is lot of travel coming my way - Goa, Australia and might be US as well. Doesn't that sound wonderful......getting to see new places....new culture....different food...nature...and lots n lots of shopping. WOW! I am also looking forward to renting a house with a beautiful garden .... Flowers are after all  my first love! Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...........these were all big big things. But, now there are many simple and small things that I plan to do every single day of 2012. These small things that are going to make my each day perfect are...

• cooking meals at home ( this will ensure that we both - me and my husband, are eating healthy and nutritious food)
• practicing yoga daily for 1 hour
• reading out affirmation to myself
• practicing meditation for an hour daily ( I know many of your might be thinking that 1 hr is too much much, but actually i am used to meditation for this long. Its just that I am not very disciplined and miss out on my meditation because of my laziness)
• practicing gratitude daily before starting my day & before going to bed
• spending 15 - 30 mins each day organizing a small part of my house

So..I look forward to a year of health, spiritual growth, gratitude and organised and clutter free space to live in.

I wish all my readers a very happy and prosperous new year.

Please share your idea of perfect 2012 and your plans to achieve it.