Monday, 22 July 2013

Approval addiction - Part-1... What is it? Why is it such an evil? How to get approval anyway?

What is approval addiction? Well! You can say you addicted to approval when your happiness and self worth is determined by what others think of you. When your dominant thoughts are - What are they thinking about me? Do I appear well dressed to them? Are they thinking I am too fat or too ugly? How do I impress them? How do I make them love me? - then you know you are addicted to approval.

I was explaining all this to my husband. I was explaining how it takes you away from your right life because you are no longer focusing on yourself, your talents and your abilities and are busy pleasing others. How approval seeking makes you wear a mask, or might be masks, and hides your real self from the world. How it fills you with resentment because you feel completely out of touch with who you really are or, even worse!, you might be completely confused in first place about who you truly are. How it sucks the life force out of you. And this makes you sub-consciously hate the very people you seek approval from. Terrifying, isn't it!

And then, my husband asked me a million dollar question. He asked me "what if a person wants approval from just this one person he is really close to? And this person can be anyone - your mother, your father, your best-friend, your husband, your wife, or might be someone else whom you really admire. And what if getting that approval makes him truly happy? What if the person feels that it is one of the purposes of his life to keep this one person happy and pleased?" Hmmmmmm..... Nice question! I asked "have you ever seen a person who is desperate for somebody's approval ever truly happy about it?".

 And now I am asking you, my reader, the same question "have you ever seen a person who is desperate for somebody's approval ever truly happy about it?".

Personally, my answer to the question is a big "noooooooooooooooo". 

Why?

  • Approval is always about hiding your true-self. It is about doing something that you wouldn't have otherwise wanted to do or being someone that you are not. It is all about pretending.
  • It creates an illusion of love. Yes, illusion! When someone loves you when you are wearing that mask there is no love, in first place. They love that mask not the person behind it. When there is no love, what do you fear loosing by not pretending? Why so much attachment with the illusion?
  • When you are seeking approval chances are you are living in another big lie. Lie that you love the person you seek approval from. My dear, again it is not love. Love always feels clean. Love is about thinking of the highest good of the person you love. Love is not about you pleasing someone. Approval seeking relationship will soon fill with resentment for two reasons - 1) even after all your efforts you might never get enough of it 2) even if your exterior looks OK trying to please, your subconscious knows that you long to be loved as you are.                                                               Having said that, I would like point out that I am not asking you to be indifferent to requirement and emotions of people around you. What I am talking here is about accepting and loving your real-self completely and then presenting it in the world lovingly and as it is. This extreme self-acceptance will soon extend to accepting others as they are and inspire them to do the same. Yes, opposite of approval-seeking is not indifference, the opposite is loving self-acceptance.
  • Now, here is the deal, I believe that purpose of anybody's life can never ever be to get approval or to please someone. Why? Because it is sooooooooooo disrespectful to who you really are. It is disrespectful to the one who created you. It denies the truth that each one of us is perfect. It creates an illusion that you need to be someone you are not in order to be lovable. That you are not worthy unless you wear a mask. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Your purpose can be or rather always is to serve someone but never to please anyone.

How to have all the approval you will ever need?


Confused!?? Are you thinking if seeking approval is so bad and if I am so against it then what is the need for this section in this post? Read on to find the answer!

Those who know about law of attraction, know how important it is to feel good. Whatever you want to attract in your life you must already feel abundant about it. This is true for approval as well. 
  • Start by approving of yourself and everything about you. tell yourself that it is OK and safe to show your true self. If all approval you ever have is only your's, it is enough!
  • Get into the feeling of being surrounded by people who love you as you are. As if you already have their approval. How would you feel? How do you think your true-self looks like? What would you do? How would you dress up? How would you communicate? How will you body language be? What career will you choose? What spiritual path will you follow?
  • Think of real people who will love the true you. Look for them among your friend or someone whom you truly admire or someone from history or someone famous. Collect their pictures and make a collage out of it. Keep it at a place where you can see it every now and then and can feel loved and inspired to be your real self.
  • Gather the courage! The people who don't approve of you might not disappear from your life but you will attract many amazing people who will love the true you. You will attract your tribe! So, now go and gather the courage to take the steps and let your true-self shine!
Do share your comments, feedback and related stories!